Funny Ceremony Readings

A marriage ceremony is a serious occasion, but that doesn’t mean you can’t add a little humour. Adding a funny wedding ceremony reading is an opportunity for a couple to showcase both of their personalities while putting a smile on all your guests’ faces. 

These are a selection of funny ceremony readings from children’s books, movies, poems, and more.

Add some humour to your marriage ceremony.
Funny Ceremony Readings

“All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulgham 

All of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 

These are the things I learned…
From Lenore and Andrew’s wedding on a jungle gym.
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Give them to someone who feels
sad.
Live a balanced life.
Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.
Take a nap every afternoon.
Be aware of wonder. 

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. 

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
And it is still true; no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together 

 

“Yes, I’ll Marry You” by Pam Ayres 

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

And here’s the reason why;
 So I can push you out of bed
 When the baby starts to cry

And if we hear a knocking
 And it’s creepy and it’s late,
 I hand you the torch you see,
 And you investigate. 

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
 You may not apprehend it,
 But when the tumble-drier goes
 It’s you that has to mend it,
 You have to face the neighbour
 Should our Labrador attack him,
 And if a drunkard fondles me
 It’s you that has to whack him. 

Yes, I’ll marry you,
 You’re virile and you’re lean,
 My house is like a pigsty
 You can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

Which you served by candlelight,
 As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night! 

It’s you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
 I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do! 

 

“I rely on you” by Hovis Presley 

I rely on you like a Skoda needs suspension, like the aged need a pension, like a trampoline, needs tension, like a bungee jump needs apprehension.
I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter like a gambler needs a flutter, like a golfer needs a putter like a buttered scone involves some butter. 

I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve, like a hairpin needs a drastic curve like an HGV needs endless derv, like an outside left needs a body swerve.
I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers, like an auctioneer needs buyers like a laundromat needs driers, like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you like a water vole needs water, like a brick outhouse needs mortar, like a lemming to the slaughter, Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter
I rely on you 

 

“I Wanna Be Yours” By John Cooper Clarke 

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
 Breathing in your dust,
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust,

If you like your coffee hot
 Let me be your coffee pot,
 You call the shots,

I wanna be yours. 

I wanna be your raincoat
 For those frequent rainy days,
 I wanna be your dreamboat
 When you want to sail away,
 Let me be your teddy bear
 Take me with you anywhere,
 I don’t care,

I wanna be yours. 

I wanna be your electric meter
 I will not run out,

I wanna be the electric heater
 You’ll get cold without,

I wanna be your setting lotion
 Hold your hair in deep devotion,
 Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
 That’s how deep is my devotion. 

 

“Recipe for Love” by Author Unknown 

Put the love, good looks, and sweet temper into a well-furnished house. Beat the butter of youth to a cream, and mix well together with the blindness of faults. 

Stir the pounded wit and good humour into the sweet argument, then add the rippling laughter and common sense. Work the whole together until everything is well mixed, and bake gently forever. 

 

“I’ll Be There For You” By Louise Cuddon 

I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin
 When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin

When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train. 

When life is just threatening to drive you insane
 When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
 When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age
 When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm
 When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm
 When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum 

And your holiday photos show only your thumb
 When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay 

And return to discover you’ve been towed away
 When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
 Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist
 When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes
 When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes 

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…
 When you break a rule, when you act the fool
 When you’ve got the flu when you’re in a stew

When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue ’cause
 I’m telling you, I’ll be there. 

 

“Untitled” by Bee Rawlinson 

Love me when I’m old and shocking
 Peel off my elastic stockings
 Swing me from the chandeliers
 Let’s be randy bad old dears. 

Push around my chromed Bath Chair
 Let me tease your white chest hair
 Scaring children; swapping dentures
 Let us have some great adventures 

Take me to the Dogs and Bingo
 Teach me how to speak the lingo
 Bone my eels and bring me tea
 Show me how it’s meant to be 

Take me to your special place

Watching all the puzzled faces
 You in shorts and socks and sandals
 Me with warts and huge love-handles 

As the need for love enthralls
 Wrestle with my damp proof smalls
 Make me laugh without constraint
 Buy me chocolate body paint 

Hold me safe throughout the night
 When my hair has turned to white
 Believe me when I say it’s true
 I’ve waited all my life for you 

 

“When I’m Sixty Four” by The Beatles

When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now
Will, you still be sending me a Valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine
If I’d been out ’til quarter to three
Would you lock the door
Will, you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four
You’ll be older too
And if you say the word
I could stay with you
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride
Doing the garden, digging the weeds
Who could ask for more
Will, you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four
Every summer we can rent a cottage
In the Isle of Wight, if it’s not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera, Chuck, and Dave
Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine forevermore
Will, you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four

 

“I Wanna Be Yours” by John Cooper Clarke

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion

 

“And I Have You” by Nikki Giovanni

Rain has drops
Sun has shine
Moon has beams
That make you mine
Rivers have banks
Sands for shores
Hearts have heartbeats
That make me yours
Needles have eyes
Though pins may prick
Elmer has glue
To make things stick
Winter has Spring
Stockings feet
Pepper has mint
To make it sweet
Teachers have lessons
Soup du jour
Lawyers sue bad folks
Doctors cure
All and all
This much is true
You have me
And I have you

 

“Marriage is Like My Old Car” by Marie April Gismondi

The way I see it, marriage is like my old car.
When I bought it new from the dealership,
everyone around me was saying; “Wow that’s a nice car!”
It was all bright and shiny and worthy of admiration.
And then as the years went by…
there were places where the paint was starting to peel off.
It got a little dent and a scratch or two here and there…
and once it was over a decade old…
People started saying; “Why are you still driving that old thing?”
But my car ran like a top and would never leave me high and dry.
Every time something sounded a little off, or needed attention,
I got to work on it and fixed whatever needed fixing immediately,
knowing that you get what you give.
And then, when she became “a classic”,
it was off to the body shop she went for a new paint job.
People once again began saying; “Wow, that’s a really nice car!”
But what they didn’t know was that all the things that really matter,
were always things that nobody could see from the outside.
A marriage is like my old car.
It’s the maintenance you do between the high of the wedding day,
and gaining the admiration your grandchildren
by being the couple who still laughs and shares secrets,
and still holds hands after all these years.
So don’t worry so much about what people think or say.
Just do your oil changes, keep up with your maintenance,
get out and have fun,
don’t be afraid to blow the dust off now and then,
and fix whatever breaks as soon as it happens.
This is my advice for a marriage
that will motor successfully on down the highway of life.

 

“The Romance” by Shel Silverstein

Said the pelican to the elephant,
“I think we should marry, I do.
’Cause, there’s no name that rhymes with me,
And no one else rhymes with you.”
Said the elephant to the pelican,
“There’s sense to what you’ve said,
For rhyming’s as good a reason as any
For any two to wed.”
And so the elephant wed the pelican,
And they dined upon lemons and limes,
And now they have a baby pelican,
And everybody rhymes.

 

“Love Me” by Bee Rawlinson

Love me when I’m old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let’s be randy bad old dears.
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures.
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love handles.
As the need for love enthralls
Wrestle with my damp proof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint.
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it’s true
I’ve waited all my life for you.

 

“He Never Leaves The Seat Up” by Anon

He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Whereas she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home-cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favorite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course, she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pigheaded
Whereas she won’t even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s his soul mate ‘til the end.

 

“I Like You” by Ben Rector

There’s no need to complicate it
Dress it up or overstate it
Without too much hesitation
Here’s the way I feel
Well, I like you, I like you
Even when I don’t try to
Yes I do, that’s the truth
I like you

 

Your Personal Penguin by Sandra Boynton

I like you a lot
You’re funny and kind
So let me explain
What I have in mind.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to walk right by your side
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to travel with you far and wide.
Wherever you go, I’ll go there too
Here and there and ev’rywhere
And always with you.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
From now on.
Now lots of other penguins seem to do fine
In a universe of nothing but ice
But if I could be yours and you could be mine
A cozy little world would be twice as nice.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to talk with you night and day
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to listen to whatever you say.
Look at these wings, so perfect to hold you
I’d like to say again
What I have already told you
Let me be Your Personal Penguin
From now on.
Now lots of other penguins seem to do fine
In a universe of nothing but ice
But if I could be yours and you could be mine
A cozy little world would be twice as nice.
I want to be (want to be) Your Personal Penguin
I want to walk right by your side
I want to be (want to be) Your Personal Penguin
I want to travel with you far and wide.
Wherever you go, I’ll go there too
Here and there and ev’rywhere
And always with you.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
Imagine me, Your Personal Penguin
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
From now on.

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